Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
