Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
