Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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