So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
