just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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