Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
