I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
