I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
