Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
