Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
