Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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