Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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