Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
