i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize