Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
