1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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