is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
did i just pee glitter
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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