I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
