Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
