This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
did i just pee glitter
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
