my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
