good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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