Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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