its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
In America we eat man semen.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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