We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
