My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
