sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
