I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
