its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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