Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize