I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
