You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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