Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
