Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
