Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
