Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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