Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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