Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
