I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
