I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
