My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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