No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh god it's open bar.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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