I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize