So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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