Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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