so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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