I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
