It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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