There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
