My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
