Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
