you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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