you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
