Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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