Swine flu. Run for my life!
from now on my penis is your penis
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize