you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
