The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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