The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
