he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
