Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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